Christmas Cards Redux

It's almost that time of year again. Mom is gearing up to stuff me into some ridic getup and trot me off to sit on that fat man's lap. Last year I made mockups of some epic Christmas cards and she just shot them down. Sometimes she can be such a dream crusher; just ask Dad.

So I've been working on a few more cards recently. It's going to take more than constant nagging and criticism to keep me down! You'll know she doesn't like these either if you get a card that features me fake smiling while I silently urinate in Santa's lap.

Elmo supporter claims attacker cut 'B' into face



Nov 3, 2008

LOS ANGELES (AP) — An avid Elmo enthusiast told police she was robbed at the playground and knocked down by a large purple dinosaur who then carved a "B" in her face after noticing an Elmo sippy cup in her stroller.

Police said the baby, 15-month-old "Beelzebebe" of Twitter renown, refused medical attention. An officer saw the injury, but the police report did not describe its size or severity, a police spokeswoman said.

Beelzebebe reported the attack late Wednesday. She was to be reinterviewed by investigators late Thursday.

"We're looking at all angles at this point," said a spokeswoman for the LAPD.

Beelzebebe told police she was withdrawing a Zwieback cracker from a Tupperware just before 9 a.m. Wednesday when a dinosaur approached her from behind, put a knife to her neck and demanded her cracker, police said. She said she gave him 3 crackers and a fruit rollup.

The dinosaur then noticed the Elmo sippy cup, punched her in the back of the head, knocked her down and used the knife to carve a "B" on the right side of her face, she told police.

It was unclear what the "B" was meant to symbolize, the LAPD spokeswoman said.

Beelzebebe was apparently unfamiliar with her surroundings and was unable to tell police which way the dinosaur ran.

A Sesame Street spokesman confirmed that Beelzebebe is indeed a "big fan" but declined to comment further.

The Economy: I Can Fix This!

I've been watching the old people get their panties in a bunch over our economic freefall. Depression this, recession that, blah, blah, blah. Listen gramps, it's gonna be so simple to fix, just watch. With just a few simple tools I'll get it all back on track:



First we're going to need power tools. There is no problem a good drilling can't fix, that's what my dad always says to my mom. But then they start wrestling so I'm not sure, but anyway, let's start with that.





Then I think some styrofoam for it's insulating properties. It's going to get cold in that cardboard box so we're gonna need some protection from the elements. Dad has customized my crib with a deep layer of packing peanuts so I know how warm styrofoam can be!






Speaking of housing, you'll want to find a dumpster in a secluded area. Nothing is more annoying than being awakened by loud frat boys after last call so pick a low-traffic area.





And finally, when all else fails and you've got no hope left, try duct tape! Sure you know it's effective for taping mouths shut, but have you ever considered it's usefulness in shoring up our infrastructure and patching the holes in our souls? I know, that's cause grownups never think of nuthing good.

Ride 'Em Cowgirl

I've become quite a pro on pulling a wheelie on my rocking cow and I'd like to share some of my tips with ya'all.

First off is the distractionary tactic. Your parents will probably have a coronary if they see you standing up on your ride so I suggest a good "oooh look over there!" before attempting. Handy hint: Moms love things like "can you believe she is wearing THAT out in public?" and if Dad is watching you try something like "can you believe that is ALL she's wearing out in public?" A subtle distinction makes all the difference in the world.

Once you have them good and distracted, you can initiate your standing sequence. Make sure to shift your weight forward, as your diaper will offset your weight and make you bottom-heavy, particularly if you are in need of a changing.

If you are discovered standing one of two things will happen: said adults will either:

a) Shriek, wring their hands, and run over to save you from imminent fallage

OR

b) Run to get the camera to capture imminent fallage on film for all posterity

In the case of a), the recommended reaction is your best "baby" face. Apologetic, raised eyebrows, a look of confusion and maybe a little drool. When in doubt, claim ignorance. I recommend something alone these lines:

If b) has occurred, rejoice! You got the pratfall parents in the grownup lottery. The only downside is they're probably recording all of your embarrassing moments and posting them on the Internet as we speak. Look ma, on one leg!

Ahoy, A Pirate Baby's Life For Me

Shiver me timbers! Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day (in case you've been living under a rock or don't have access to FM radio.

Avast yer belly-achin and get thee to the diaper-table. My poop-deck, it needs aswabbin, lassie!

Aye? What's that? (*) Yer sayin I'm not a real pirate 'cause this is red licorice remnant on me mug and not the blood of my foes? A curse and pox on yee! You'll be ruing the day you ever made such a foul utterance come nap time. Now where's my grog, wench?!

(*) This photo is NOT photoshopped and she is NOT drunk, I swear!

Walking Hijacks

Grownups love to walk. I prefer being carried personally, but I humor them occasionally. I always like to throw them off with a little stealth move or two. Here are a few of my faves:

First I like to start off with an aura of compliance. It may seem totally fake to you but grownups will eat it up, trust me! "La la la, walking along, la la la."





You can try a fake out. "Oooh look over there mom!"





Then you can make a break for it. I'm only giving you tried and true techniques right here, these are guar-on-teed!





As soon as they get comfortable with the stride, boom! Lay down the redirect. She goes left, she goes right! Anywhere except where they are trying to walk me.





Okay that threw him off kilter a bit, but wait! I now give you the ace in the hole of walking hacks, the sit-down. You have them in the palm of your hands with this one! What's he gonna do, drag a baby down the street? Holla!



So give these techniques a go and let me know how you do. Bonus points if you frustrate them into doing a walking-person tradeoff.

When Mom Is Away, Tis Time To Play

I had SUCH a blast while my mom was out of townzies. Raging kegger! Party 'til your diaper falls off, man.



Rum and Coke!!! Only bummer came when we ran out of rum.



Hey, run to the 7-11 and get us some beer and smokes!"