I Am One Yearz Old Now, Playa Haters!

So my big one-year-old birthday bash went down this weekend and let me just say, mom actually didn't disappoint me this time, which was enough of a birthday surprise in and of itself. The cake tasted really great but it was in some weird shape. It didn't look like a cake on TV so I think they messed that part up a bit but it's okay, they're just grownups trying to do the best they can.



I got balloons! Tons of them and one had ELMO on it. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. Look, I'll show you, nonbelievers:

There were also hats and little blower things. Are you trying to teach me to be a pipe smoker guys? Mixed signals here, getting confused, but I'll just do it like you guys do. Pass the dutchie on the left hand side.



Then everyone crowded around me and stared at me and took pictures. What is this, the freeking zoo? And why is my cake sitting way over there. Ummm hello, aren't I the birthday girl?

Listen, nobody puts baby in a corner and leaves her cakeless. I told them "You'd better kick down with the good stuff or there is going to be trouble! Laser vision set to standby mode."



I'm also deeply cynical about this hat they put on me. Okay "I'm 1 one!" which is it? Am I 1 or am I one? Or am I 1 one which would eleven, if I'm not mistaken. Next year, skip the 'Made in China' hat, foolios. But the princess sash? Yeah, I'm keeping that.

It was only after I threatened to bust out my laser vision that they acquiesced and began the cake ceremony. For some reason, this involved setting my cake on fire and singing ... rather badly. I didn't know what I had done to deserve THAT and almost started to cry. I was just joshing about the laser vision, guys! Luckily the hurting stopped, mom saved my cake at the last second by blowing out the fire (very brave!) and they all started clapping.

Then I got to eat a piece of my cake. I've never been handed a giant clump of cake before. Okay, maybe birthdays don't suck entirely. The more of a mess I made, the more they cheered, and they even let me smear it in my hair. Things were definitely weird, maybe they had too much wine?

Lady servant, is this cake all organic, non-dairy, no sugar added? Hmmm? I guess I'll force it down anyway.



ZOMG, sugar rush kicking in, feeling funny, whoah. I think I need some Glucophage.

Then I had a nice refreshing bottle of milk, ahhh. Raise your pimp cup high! Oh, and mom finally listened to me about that stupid hat and put a different one on me. At least this one sets the record straight. Note the high chair has suffered pretty severe cake damage.



Anyhoo,after cake I got to have prezzies! I would have just been happy with the Elmo balloon and a roll of toilet paper but no, they actually got me real presents. I don't understand the whole tearing open paper part, unless of course it is a library book, then the tearing seems really straightforward. The presents were .... okay. Poor saps, didn't they realize I'd just be back to playing with the Tupperware and batteries the next day. Oh well, I humored them just this once and pretend I liked them. "Oh wow, blocks!"

Then the party turned into the lamerz when all the grownups started drinking and talking and um, just assuming I'd just like to play with my new toys. Gawd what a bunch of bores. All they talk about is work and politics and God knows what all else. Don't they know there are birds? and toilet paper? and dogs? Dogs are my favorite. I could talk about dogs all damn day. MORE prezzies, MORE dogs, MORE cake. Nobody was listening to me anymore! Argh.

I got so bored by all the dogless banter that I sat on the 12-packs of Coke and assumed the task of bartender. You want Red Bull? No Red Bull, how 'about a Monster? This controlling people's libations business was quite fun actually! Maybe those bartending school commercials were right!



And then before you knew it, the party was over. Poop. Oh well, there's always next year. When I'll be able to talk and ask for what I want with real words: batteries, Elmo, remote controls.